IT'S ALL ABOUT CHANGE

My whole life has always revolved around changes, mostly due to circumstance…So I thought… As I get older and clearer, I realize that most of the changes had been brought on by not only circumstance alone but also with the choices I made every step of the way. Some good, some bad, but none the less I felt that constant change was inevitable.

I thought that maybe I was doing something wrong because I always felt unsatisfied with the way life was turning out. I felt that good enough was never really good enough. I felt I had been searching and striving for something that was out of reach. Which at times, I didn’t even know what that something was, I just knew I needed to transform somehow to try to achieve whatever it was I was looking to be or do at the time. A better life? A better job? A better relationship? More money? A new car? But more importantly, I was searching for some kind of peace within that would allow me to just accept life for it was. Whatever the goal…the search was on.

I couldn’t turn off that little voice inside of me that would constantly question everything. It drove me crazy. I needed answers to calm the hysteria going on in my head. I wanted to stop having to think about how I was going to make it through, whether it was a financial matter, emotional or physical or whatever. I started to think that maybe I had some deep seeded commitment issues or that I was incapable of living a “traditional” lifestyle. You know…the all American dream? I felt that I had been one of the chosen few to get handed a really crappy life and no matter what I did, I just couldn’t achieve that natural balance that life is suppose to have. I was even mad at God for a long time wondering how he can let things happen to the same person over and over. Never the same situation, but always a constant fight to survive. I’ve been struggling with this for many years now and I think I’m finally starting to figure it out.

In the last few years, what came to be known (in my own head) as ‘normal” changes have now changed. Funny – even my changes are changing. What I mean by that is I have become so much more aware of every waking moment and I don’t want to miss out on a second of life, good or bad. Maybe its maturity, I’m not sure. Or it could be just evolution of life. Who knows? What I do know is that now I have come to appreciate things, that in the past, I would have regarded as troublesome, mundane or out right horrible. I realize now that without the bad, you cannot know the good. So change is necessary. I realize now that all the changes throughout my lifetime were necessary as well in order to grow and be able to figure out just what I am suppose to be doing or where I am suppose to be going and mostly who I am. I think I finally realized that without all that change, I wouldn’t be me and I couldn't have learned that life is what you make of it. I used to think that the people who were content with their lives knew something that I didn’t. I used to think that something was wrong with me because I couldn’t satisfy my itch for certain things in life. But that’s the beauty of it all…Life is ever-changing and so am I. What worked for me yesterday might not work today. I know now that this is exactly where I’m suppose to be and exactly who I am suppose to be and the path I chose to arrive here was perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing! …Or would I ????

To Blog or not to Blog….

I’m not sure exactly what I’m supposed to be writing here. I could probably “blog” about anything…but who will read this crap? As you can tell, I’m new at this blogging stuff.

I can tell you about the “less then normal” life I lead. I can also tell you about my beautiful family and how fortunate I am to have them. I guess I could tell you about my 6 cats (1 expecting)… and our new dog. Maybe you would like to here some of the crazy situations I have gotten myself into in the last 40 years. I’ll bet I can make you really sad too if I tell you about the abundance of misfortune I have seen in this life time. I wonder what you want to know. Do you even care to know?

I reckon this should be about something other then me or my life, right? I’ve never even read a blog, I just like the word. Blog…..blog……blog……..funny word. Speaking of words, I recently wrote a letter to a company who I bought pasta from to cook for Easter dinner. ‘Turns out that when I cooked the pasta, it had bugs baked into the dough. Pretty gross! So I wrote to the company to tell them about how I was mortified in front of my guests and the how much of an inconvenience it was to have to run out to the store to get something else for dinner and how sick in the stomach I was that I couldn’t even eat after that. Oh, and did I mention??? Somebody actually bit into one of the pasta shells to check for doneness and bit right into a bug. Anyway, a few days later, I got a response telling me that there’s NO WAY these bugs came from the plant and that they would reimburse me for my product and inconvenience.

So, I wait….

Finally, I received a letter in the mail. I figured, great, at least I’ll get a few bucks back for my troubles….NOT!!!!!!!!!!! You know what they sent me??? COUPONS!!! Coupons for more products that I will never buy again. So, needless to say I’m pretty pissed off at them. I’m not really crazy about lawyers, but I’m probably going to contact one to see if there is any way to at least get my money back for the food. I’m also going to write them another letter. We’ll see where that gets me. Probably more coupons. Anyone know a good lawyer???