IT'S ALL ABOUT CHANGE

My whole life has always revolved around changes, mostly due to circumstance…So I thought… As I get older and clearer, I realize that most of the changes had been brought on by not only circumstance alone but also with the choices I made every step of the way. Some good, some bad, but none the less I felt that constant change was inevitable.

I thought that maybe I was doing something wrong because I always felt unsatisfied with the way life was turning out. I felt that good enough was never really good enough. I felt I had been searching and striving for something that was out of reach. Which at times, I didn’t even know what that something was, I just knew I needed to transform somehow to try to achieve whatever it was I was looking to be or do at the time. A better life? A better job? A better relationship? More money? A new car? But more importantly, I was searching for some kind of peace within that would allow me to just accept life for it was. Whatever the goal…the search was on.

I couldn’t turn off that little voice inside of me that would constantly question everything. It drove me crazy. I needed answers to calm the hysteria going on in my head. I wanted to stop having to think about how I was going to make it through, whether it was a financial matter, emotional or physical or whatever. I started to think that maybe I had some deep seeded commitment issues or that I was incapable of living a “traditional” lifestyle. You know…the all American dream? I felt that I had been one of the chosen few to get handed a really crappy life and no matter what I did, I just couldn’t achieve that natural balance that life is suppose to have. I was even mad at God for a long time wondering how he can let things happen to the same person over and over. Never the same situation, but always a constant fight to survive. I’ve been struggling with this for many years now and I think I’m finally starting to figure it out.

In the last few years, what came to be known (in my own head) as ‘normal” changes have now changed. Funny – even my changes are changing. What I mean by that is I have become so much more aware of every waking moment and I don’t want to miss out on a second of life, good or bad. Maybe its maturity, I’m not sure. Or it could be just evolution of life. Who knows? What I do know is that now I have come to appreciate things, that in the past, I would have regarded as troublesome, mundane or out right horrible. I realize now that without the bad, you cannot know the good. So change is necessary. I realize now that all the changes throughout my lifetime were necessary as well in order to grow and be able to figure out just what I am suppose to be doing or where I am suppose to be going and mostly who I am. I think I finally realized that without all that change, I wouldn’t be me and I couldn't have learned that life is what you make of it. I used to think that the people who were content with their lives knew something that I didn’t. I used to think that something was wrong with me because I couldn’t satisfy my itch for certain things in life. But that’s the beauty of it all…Life is ever-changing and so am I. What worked for me yesterday might not work today. I know now that this is exactly where I’m suppose to be and exactly who I am suppose to be and the path I chose to arrive here was perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing! …Or would I ????